finally home

as my plane was taking off to bring me to ohio today the engine blew out and fire trucks had to come

it seemed pretty chaotic at the time as my flight had already been delayed all day

i said to myself "shit, good thing it happened now rather than thousands of feet in the air, i guess"

i continued reading my book, the guy next to me was calling customer service trying to make sure he could reserve a spot on the next flight, and the guy next to him was trying to tell both of us how his prayer sheet (he got it out and showed it to us) had saved us because he read it right beforehand

the guy next to me ordered a beer and i ordered apple juice and took more of my pills

i hadn't remembered hearing the other guy saying any prayer

it was probably just luck, or whatever

when we got on another plane i heard him saying his prayers this time for sure, especially because he told us right beforehand

im a godless heathen who is ungrateful for everyday on earth

that being said, its kind of nice being home

also i thought of what i figured out what i want to write my first actual novel about, but first i have to finish these shorter novella things and also do something else meaningful in poetry or story collection before i commit myself to that

felt weird being 22 and coming home to ohio

kind of felt somewhat like an adult for some reason, even though im really very adolescent, and its pathetic

probably will try to meet up with my best friend from around here for sure, and probably two or three or four other people, but i dont think i have any desire to put any actual social effort out other than that

i need to go to sleep

goodnight

everyone out in the air is fragile

but i am shattering glass

i hate everything (including myself)

all day i beat my head mentally so that i dont have to stomp on it physically

i look at a wall and i think, "You are plain."

i look at a person and i think, "You are plain and you care."

i dont really think that way, im probably exaggerating

have you been to the next dimension where you see yourself twice plus all the other dimensions?

except that the second dimension doesnt really exist because every object has length, width, and height

i want to read kierkegaard and feel good about how im not fucked for wanting to be dead

i want to take a big poop for several hours

this is going nowhere

goodbye

should i be more into existentialism or postmodernism (part 2)

Returning to an old topic, which I was thinking about today. My previous thoughts on it are at this link.

i got started thinking about this today during class, but im going to try to not just ramble aimlessly.

im also going to just use the term postmodernism in this rather than adding on the term poststructuralism because i want it to encompass other dominant theories (i think i did this last time mostly but i also kept going back and forth)

i wouldnt consider existentialism to be my ideology in any sense of the terms or even a philosophy i adhere to, but it has helped me mold my philosophy towards life

the problem is that existentialism is basically all about authenticity, specifically subjective authenticity

when sartre uses a term such as bad faith he is talking about how we are put up barriers on the path towards subjective authenticity

the same can be said for the ideas of nietzsche or camus, they talk about the same shit

the problem i had for awhile was that i considered "authenticity" to be a "truth" that could foreseeably be reached

but it isnt like that

the conception of anything be the "truth" is actually going against everything existentialism is about, and ive been realizing this is the past month or two

it was the existentialist thinkers who said "fuck that" to the tradition of saying there is a "human nature" or a "good" or shit like that

authenticity is just an idea that is to be kept in one's mind as consciously as they can while they go about their day (or night, depending on your lifestyle)

the idea that you can be more authentic than you are is something to always keep in mind

which brings me to postmodernism

postmodernism rejects existentialism, in many respects various schools of thought were classified by those particular philosophers because they wanted to show how they were opposed to existentialism, although also because they wanted a name for their new ideas

most postmodern schools of thought reject the idea of their being any kind of "truth" at least they say they do

but they come up with all these ideas and terms that they present as truths

they might talk about "the state" or "the structure" or "the system" or "the unconscious" or "the subconscious"

or maybe theyll just go on and on about "capitalism"

im not disputing that these arent useful terms, i use them sometimes myself, but the way they are used often acts as if their meaning is clear and obvious

to be so much emphasis on what i unconsciously or subconsciously do is to distract from the fact that the most important actions are those of which i am conscious

fully conscious

if i go on and on about how the system is getting in the way of my freedom, then i am in some way blaming external forces for my own faults

"freedom" might be an even more important term in existentialism than "authenticity"

but most postmodernists wont even discuss the idea of freedom because they think it doesnt exist

as for "capitalism"

i am kind of murky on what even qualifies as capitalism nowadays

was the ussr capitalist during the 1920s?

has the united kingdom been capitalist at any time since world war two and is it still?

even the united states has massive social welfare programs and the government interjects in the economy drastically

im not saying that i dont think there should be government intervention into people's economic lives

but its not so black and white

its all just gray

but some of these thinkers wouldnt admit that, because they work out of a fairly strict marxist framework and see "capitalism" as being some kind of truth

in today's global economy there is no doubt that the same economic ideas that adam smith and marx were talking about still have influence

i hate sweat shops and wage slavery and corporations and brand names as much as anybody

but when we sit down to discuss problems we need to use our own ideas and not old ideas

because the world has changed more in the past century than in any other century since man has written down his thoughts

we also need to be mindful of the fact that there isnt any type of "truth"

at least in terms of grand ideas or solutions there is no "truth"

i feel like ive been ranting about politics for awhile

in the end, i dont care whether im more into existentialism or postmodernism, although everything i write is probably more influenced by the former

i really just want to figure shit out

but i have no idea what im going to figure out

i think im going to stop blogging for awhile except to post stories

bye

Walking through

I opened the door and sat down at a table, or I knocked the table over.

I leaned back in the chair while letting out a sigh of exhaust, or I picked the table back up.

I put my elbows on the table and rested my head against it, or I knocked the table back over.

I turned around to make sure there was no one around me, or I heard someone behind me and stabbed them with a pen.

I turned my attention back on the table because no one was behind me, or I watched as the person behind me died from ink poisoning.

I left the room because I was bored, or I stayed in the room and watched the person die.

I went into another room where I tried to open a can of beans, or I ate the dead person's body.

I couldn't remember how to use a can opener so I yelled for help, or I pooped out the dead person's body.

I was aided by my sister when she heard my yell, or I sat and pooped for several more minutes.

I watched as my sister opened the can for me, or I wiped my ass and flushed the toilet.

I ate all the beans in the can in one gulp and then realized that I hadn't offered any to my sister, or I began to think that I had pooped too soon after eating the dead person's body.

I laughed with my sister about how silly it was to eat so many beans so quickly, or I didn't care how soon I had pooped.

I turned on the radio and my sister looked for a station, or I left the bathroom and walked towards a room with no lights.

I told my sister I had to go poop because of all the beans I ate, or I entered the room and sat down at a table.

dont know what im doing anymore

im on the highway

i passed my exit hundreds of miles ago

but i just keep driving

it sucks

its boring

but oh well

POSTSCRIPT: IT WILL BE OK

day dreams

i had a dream today while i took a nap

i was trapped in my room i was locked in

i tried to turn on the overhead light i switched the switch but the light bulb was out

i tried to turn on my lamp but it was unplugged and as i reached down to turn it on i hit my head

then i woke up and realized i hate everything, especially when the lights are off and i am locked in a room

but i guess that is just life

another new poem

i once saw a sparrow flying above me
it looked beautiful and i thought i cared about it
then it flew away

i was swimming in the ocean and the tide swept over my head
salt water poured down my throat and i hoped i would die
but then i resurfaced

i quit smoking one day
and then the next day i felt like shit
so i started smoking again

when i was a child i would get sick all the time
and lay in the bathroom puking in the toilet
now i have a much stronger immune system

i want to go back to where my ancestors came from
but i don't think anyone knows exactly where that is
and it would probably be useless anyway

listening to devo's song "girl u want"
seems too pessimistic and optimistic at the same time
i don't know how i feel
that's a lie
i know exactly how i feel
but i don't know what that means and what is to be done about that or anything

new poem

time seems to running out

not as in the apocalypse, but just in general

the clock has been ticking for so long that it wants to stop

i could write a song

but then eventually i would have to stop

i could write this

but eventually i have to stop

i have been feeling alienated while considering the end of time

i dont know what my place will be in a timeless universe

i probably wont even care by then, i guess, hopefully

despair

when i think of myself i think of who my body portrays and who my mind portrays

my body is who i see in the mirror

my brain is who decides what to say and do

there is also another portrayal

this third portrayal is what my imagination believes other people see when they look at me and create a portrayal of me in their brain

so there are three types of portrayal (hence, no mind-body dichotomy)

but i can't control what another person thinks when they see me

but my reasoning skills lie to me and tell me that i can use my imagination to figure out what they are thinking

but i never can

sartre might call this bad faith but then it comes back to a question ive been meaning to ask: is it possible to always avoid bad faith?

i don't know the answer to that question

i think a good answer is that you should avoid the big bad faiths

but he would also say that despair is something to be conscious of and whatnot

different texts say different things

but even besides the realization of this third self arent't there other reasons for despair?

no one is coming to save us

we come from an almost two thousand year history of people saying there will be salvation and now we're over all that jesus crap but we still feel like somehow we should be saved

we do not have total control

we are patriotic and we yell about "freedom" alot and so we get this idea of complete freedom engrained in our heard and it weighs us down, but what we don't realize is that if something outside ourselves is restricting us then it is not part of our freedom, because our freedom comes from within ourselves not from without